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That Time I Ate A Six-Month-Old Twinkie And Lived

Jul 13, 13 That Time I Ate A Six-Month-Old Twinkie And Lived

Don’t call it a comeback. Everyone’s favorite cream-filled yellow sponge cake is returning to store shelves NEXT WEEK (can you sense my enthusiasm) and the new Hostess brand has already learned a thing or two from last year’s apocalyptic run on the tasty treats.

Urban legend (or is it a wives’ tale?) tells us that Twinkie will last through nigh any traumatic experience right along with cockroaches and copies of Peter Frampton Comes Alive. According to a report from CNN, this simply is not true.

Sure, the new Twinkies will be shelf stable nearly twice as long as they once did — from 26 days to 45 days — but the new Hostess brand really wants you to believe (er…know) that these things are apparently real food that can really go bad if it sits for too long.

Hostess spokesperson Hannah Arnold claims some of these cakes will last a little longer than 45 days, but only because they’ll be shipped from the Twinkery in frozen form. Once the retailers receive their frozen treats, they’ll allow them to thaw somewhere in the back store room before putting them out for your hot little hands. Not everyone gets these frozen Twinkies, however. Resellers have to ask for them this way. Without a preference, they’ll receive what Hostess calls the “fresh” variety which will apparently go bad in about a month and a half.

This is a good thing for Hostess. Following last year’s run on Twinkies, which included several people trying to make a quick buck by selling boxes of the cakes for thousands of dollars on eBay, the company is planning on putting their product on the shelves of 110,000 stores by year’s end.

But wait! There’s a twist!

A cream-filled, delicious twist…

Apparently Hostess was ready to bring out these extra long-lived Twinkies right before the bakers union went on strike, delivering a final blow to the Twinkies brand.

In fact, some of the last batches to ever leave the factory were of the 45-day variety before all hell broke loose and we were forced to even contemplate the notion of a world devoid of Twinkie the Kid and his heart-clad bandana.

Here’s where I get serious.

I absolutely believe Twinkies don’t last 100 years. Maybe McDonalds hamburgers and fries can last that long, but Twinkies…I’m not too sure about.

I can tell you with absolute certainly, however, that I have in my younger years owned and eaten Twinkies which have been in my cupboard for longer than that measly 25-day shelf life they allegedly had before the end of the world.

College is a time for experimentation, after all.

I had, at one point, a box of Twinkies that had been forgotten in my cupboard for at least six months.

(The bigger mystery is how I forgot I had uneaten Twinkies in my home.)

At some point I became cash poor and ravenous after a night of frivolity and happened upon the dusty box of Twinkies.

They looked fine, smelled fine and, honestly, tasted just like they always do.

I’m not proud of this.

So, sure….technically Twinkies will now last 45 days, a hell of a long time for a baked good, if you think about it.

But in real life, (I think the kids call it IRL) they’ll probably last forever.

Probably.

Image Credit: Hostess

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