Stuck Together During Sex
“I could stay like this forever,” goes the romantic cliché that is sometimes whispered between couples during sex. The reality of this hyperbole would be questioned if the couple is still ‘stuck’ together hours later, possibly on a single stretcher or hospital trolley.
A new report following a study of 11 years of admissions to a hospital in Bern, Switzerland and revealed on the BBC prompted two BBC radio listeners to give their first-hand accounts of the unpleasant (unless you’re really, really into each other) experience.
Although the Bern study found that a number of admissions each year were related to sex, these were more due to infections or side effects of the strain of sex on the body, such as heart problems or headaches and the like. The lead author, Dr. Aristomenis Exadaktylos, said that there was no case they had observed in which a couple had become clamped together during sex. He suggested that the idea was probably an urban myth.
But his appearance on BBC radio caused two callers to insist that they had been the victims of just such a phenomenon. These were not teenagers half sniggering with friends egging them on in the background; one was a 75-year-old man who said he had never before spoken of the incident. Concerned about anonymity and presumably embarrassed, he insisted on being referred to by only his first name of “John.” However, I can now reveal his full name to be John… just joking.
John said that the incident happened when he was in the merchant navy, and had an ‘on-off’ relationship with a lady in Japan. They didn’t require medical attention, but he had also heard of a similar incident when he was a child of an airman who “got stuck inside a lady and they had to get an ambulance and get them to a hospital to get them parted.”
The BBC quotes John Dean, a “senior UK-based sexual physician,” as saying that the listeners’ accounts are credible and may represent rare cases of “penis captivus” (captive penis). It can occur when the woman’s vaginal muscles contract during orgasm, causing the penis to become further and further ‘engorged.’
Penis captivus is not a newly discovered phenomenon. They were two reports into it published during the twentieth century, one of which found a case as old as 1372 when Pers Lenard “delt fleshely with a woman” on top of an altar of a church, and God “tyed hem faste togedre dat night.” And they say people have lost respect for the church these days? Whatever one’s religious beliefs that does sound very much like good meting out justice. It is said prayers were needed to untangle the two, although they were required to “return to the church on three Sundays, strip naked and beat themselves in front of the congregation.”
The couple were described, in that wonderful ancient language that sounds like a drunken pirate reciting a yarn – possibly a drunken pirate called Captain Penis Captivus – as being tied “fast like a dogge and biche togedre.” This is an accurate description, as dogs do get stuck together during sex much more commonly than humans do, a phenomenon that those who know about dogs refer to as a ‘tie.’
The conclusion should be probably be that penis captivus is a rare thing, and that if it does happen a man can at least be assured that he is doing a good job in making the lady’s muscles move (or has dog like qualities or has offended God). Even in the rare event of sticking together during sex, we should be able to disentangle ourselves once the relevant body parts have relaxed, without a trip to the hospital.
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