Stepping Out Of The Darkness (Part 3)
So I left off last time telling you to drop the blade. I know this cannot be easy at all. One day I hope you wake up and think, “I want to stop and recover.” I want you to know this will not be easy, but it is possible to do. I cut for 4-5yrs and finally had to stop when one day I really hurt myself and thought to myself that I cannot keep doing this especially since it makes me feel worse when I see what I have done. Today (January 30, 2013) I am working on 116 days of no cutting .It has been a struggle to get this far; recovering, then relapsing, then recovering again. I still have not fully recovered from self-harm, but I am trying.
I continue to struggle with recovering from my eating disorder. I do not purge anymore or binge, but sometimes I will skip meals and exercise. It used to be that I exercised 3 hours every day and counted my calories. Then, a year later, I was purging everything I drank and ate. I would exercise until I literally fell to the ground from exhaustion. I had this ideal image of how I wanted to look and I still do. I want y’all to know there is a better way to do this. I am sure you have already heard this and are probably tired of hearing it, but “Do it the healthy way.” I try to keep that in mind, but I still don’t follow it. I still exercise almost every day, count calories, weigh-ins, and I look at “thinspos.”
I feel like I am not in control of myself anymore. My mind tells me, “you are not skinny enough” and “did you seriously just eat that?” or “you are stupid, I cannot believe you did that.” And sometimes it tells me, “You are worthless.” When it does, I know I am on overload. It’s times like these you have to power through those thoughts and tell them that you are perfect the way you are, that you cannot keep beating yourself up, you are worth something and somebody does care about you.
If you feel like you have lost the steering wheel of your life, show yourself who is boss and take control of your life again. It will probably be a while until your life goes back to normal or seem better than it used to be. I have a friend who tells me that it can’t stay cloudy forever. I get a little agitated, because I wish it would get better sooner rather than later. But I know he is right; I just have to hang in there. I cannot give up yet. I have made it this far.
So my beautiful, wonderful, perfect reader; when you are feeling down or feel like you cannot go on, please know that you are not alone that we can power through this together. Show those bullies that you are strong. Tell yourself that you are human and you make mistakes, but you can learn from this. You are perfect the way you are and that healthy is always better.
Stay Strong <3
Image Credit: Photos.com