Dead Or Alive

Feb 24, 13 Dead Or Alive

I am not sure how this blog with be taken or if it will even be read, but oh well. Here it goes. I have wanted life to end for five years now, and I still have not gotten my request; even if I demanded it. I never could be good enough for anybody or myself.

Windex was too nasty; I couldn’t drink as much as I wanted and was left sick. Over doses on ibuprophen only made me sick. I have tried to drown myself and that almost worked but I panicked. I even hung myself from the bunk bed in college dorm room.

Sleep aid almost got me back in September. I had taken two bottles of a sleep aid, if I am correct I took 90-100 pills up to 3,000mg. All I did was hallucinate, sleep walk and talk for 48 hours straight. No eating, no drinking; and was walking weird because I was so out of balance with everything. My two roommates (bullies) had no clue that every weekend since August/September I started to overdose on medications and was attempting suicide. Nor that at night I could cut myself 20 times and cry myself to sleep and nobody knew.

I was seeing a counselor every week and a psychiatrist every two weeks, but never made it to the second session of my psych appointment, because I ended up in a two hospitals and stayed in one for a week and was sent home on medical leave. I have not been back to school since late October.

Now I have two jobs trying to make money, have applied for summer college classes, and am seeing a counselor and psychiatrist. The hardest part is knowing that you have caused a lot of debt because of your hospital bills, and mental help people, and trying to recover from self-harm. People who know what has really been happening in your life always worry about you and ask you questions. (I hate worrying people).

But because of all of these unfortunate events, I have been able to help out people not commit suicide, to talk them out of self-harming, and to stay strong. If I do not cut today I will have gone 138 days (as of February 21st), and that is pretty good. Now I get to talk to others about depression and mental illnesses.

I seem to do best when I can help others; but it can be hard sometimes when I do not want to do anything but hide in my room and play on the computer with ear buds in my ears.

(Lyrics from Stand in the Rain) “She never slows down. She doesn’t know why but she knows that when she’s all alone, feels like it’s all coming down. She won’t turn around. The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down”

I am just so ready to get over all this and get better. I just wish it did not take so long.

Stay Strong <3

Image Credit: Dora Zett / Shutterstock

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  • Anonymous

    I understand and can sympathize with your plight, Savannah. I have on occasion considered punching my own ticket. I do not understand cutting oneself but can see where one might feel driven to do so.

    While you are young and female, I am old and male. Due to health issues I cannot see where I am any use to myself or society. If it is truly our body and our life then it should be our decision when/how to end it. Unfortunately, it is not exactly a simple matter to kill a human being. It is even less simple to do so 100% effectively or quickly and relatively painlessly.

    It has occurred to me that suicidal ideation is not necessarily a symptom of depression. Yes, people who contemplate suicide are often depressed, but not all or even most people who are depressed contemplate suicide. Since depression can occur without suicidal ideation, then the converse should also be true as well.

    Another point to consider is that any objective analysis of the situation should lead to the conclusion that suicide is neither the “easy way out” nor the “coward’s way out. As you have discovered, killing oneself is not an “easy” thing to do at all much less doing it quickly and painlessly. Additionally, many methods people hear about or see on the movies are not certain to result in death. Knowing those facts one could hardly characterize suicide as an easy way out. PLUS it is anything but something attractive to cowards. Think about it! What is our kind’s GREATEST fear if not the fear of the unknown? We fear the darkness because we do not know what might lurk in that darkness. “Better the devil you know than one you don’t.” What, if anything, lies on the other side of physical death is the ultimate unknown. Nobody comes back to tell us what lies on the other side. Which takes more courage; to launch oneself irrevocably out into the vast gulf of the greatest of all unknowns or to crouch tremblingly and meekly bear the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”?

    Hang in there. You are young, yet. Give yourself time to taste life before you decide to end it.